For example, there was an astonishing sunset about a month ago that I dashed to a window to take photos of. I wanted to blog it immediately. I didn't. So here now are some photos of the view from my work building of a sunset over London Town, about a month ago. I will use these to illustrate a long whinge about why it's so difficult to blog these days.
For a start, I'm spending more of my time studying at the moment for a course that I'm rapidly losing interest in, but having told so many people of my life-changing career decision, I feel kind of trapped into following it through, even though I no longer feel capable of doing it. Or even willing to do it at all. I'm loving the theory, I'm loving the regular and fresh insights into my own actions and decisions, and being able to look back at other things I've done in the past and seeing the long line that flows from decision to decision that extends all the way back to THAT ONE TIME MY MOTHER DIDN'T COME RUNNING QUICK ENOUGH WHEN I FELL OVER IN THE SUPERMARKET, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, SHE MESSED ME UP GOOD. So I'm reading, and I'm learning, and every day I'm thinking, I can't do this. There's no way I can do this. I don't even want to do this.
But every time I see someone who I've already told that I'm going to do this, this is the thing that I'm going to do with the rest of my life, they ask me how it's all going, and I don't want to burst into tears and sob "I can't do this..." into their jumpers, so I tell them it's going really well, I've applied for 6 places in 6 different universities and have already saved up one year's fees for the three year course, and I'm still thinking in my head I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T DO THIS but smiling and telling them how, really, it's the course in this one university that I want the most, but if that one doesn't happen, then I'll settle for either of these two ones, because they're the most prestigious, and yes, I'll probably work in the NHS when I qualify, and it'll be a blast but I CAN'T DO THIS is still rattling around in my head so loudly that it must be leaking out of my ears, can't you hear that? The sound of someone shrieking with fear? That's me.
So I haven't really found a way to tell people that, actually, I CAN'T DO THIS and so I won't be doing it, because when I do tell people that, you know, I've been thinking that perhaps this might not be the way for me after all, you know, maybe I need to reconsider what I've been planning to do up until now, they tell me that of course I should still give it a go, though, no point in going this far and giving up and you'll only regret it in a few years time if you don't, and it's best to regret the things that you do do, rather than the things that you don't do, and then the I CAN'T DO THIS monster starts running around behind my eyes and I feel really tired and like I can't stand up any more, and so I tell them that, yeah, the studies are going well, and really let's just keep plodding down the same road because I CAN ALWAYS JUMP OFF A BRIDGE IF IT ALL GETS TOO MUCH.
The I CAN'T DO THIS monster has been joined, you'll have noticed, by the creeping slug called I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS which is making the I CAN'T DO THIS monster jumpy and hyperactive. It was okay when I could think to myself that it was just cold feet, just jitters or nerves, because it's right to have doubts about big decisions, it proves that you're giving it some real thought, that you're not blindly leaping down alleyways because it seems like a good idea at the time and damn the consequences, because, really, it's right to think that you're not always supernaturally capable of everything, and over confidence killed the cat - well, okay, not the cat, but I'm sure over confidence has killed a lot of things. So, when I get the right training, with some experience, with my own client base and supervisor, with three more years of training under my belt, of course the I CAN'T DO THIS monster will have gone away, to be replaced by the LOOK AT ME, I'M DOING THIS! fairy.
But the I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS slug has arrived and has slimed all over my brains, leaving me a mess who arrives home from work and sits sobbing on the sofa more times in the last couple of weeks than is right or even hormonally justifiable.
I'm running out of sunset photos.