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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

I was walking home from the gym last Saturday evening. It was getting quite dark in the day, and felt exhausted, doused in chlorine and bright red in the cheeks. I didn't have my MP3 player in, because I decided that Death By Mugging is not the way I want to go, and walking around anywhere in greater London with white headphones dangling temptingly out of your ear holes is asking for trouble with a capital "STAB". Thanks to this, I was able to hear very clearly when the guy that had been walking just behind me started yelling "Hey! Hey!", trying to get my attention.

I turned around to see if I had dropped something and realising that (a) I hadn't, (b) he was talking to me and (c) probably all he wanted to do was probably to kidnap me, rape me and/or kill me, I looked away again.

He therefore increased his pace so that he was now in step with me, and asked me if I was okay. I looked at him, and looked away again, trying to work out in the shortest of glances if he was carrying any weapons, if I was carrying any weapons with which to defend myself, how close I was to anyone else at that moment, and where all the street lights had gone to.

"Are you okay?" he asked again, and I continued to ignore him.

"Oh, I think I have seen you around here," he carried on regardless. "Do you live nearby?"

It was only now I realised he was just trying to chat me up.

Fucking hell, dear reader, does this kind of approach ever work in real life? All he managed to do was scare the shit out of me.

I kept walking, increasing my pace and deliberately turning a full shoulder to him to indicate how very uninterested I was.

The last thing I heard him asking, before he obviously gave up and tried some other, possibly more willing, lady, was "Oh. Are you a lesbian?"

The strangest thing was, it didn't sound at all like abuse, or a weird accusation. Just a question, as it seemed he really couldn't understand why I wasn't taking him up on his strange approach.


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