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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Dear Myself

I feel that, finally, we seem to be getting along. Sure, I’m older than I’d like to be, and there are certainly one or two areas in which we both know we could do with some improvement in (motivation, curbing spending habits, not being so damned attractive all the time) but overall, it seems to be working out well, and I’ve been quite happy with my performance over the last three years or so.

Why then, Myself, do I recently keep feeling the need to whack parts of myself off furniture and doors? Why, the other day, did I open the gate leaving the courtyard of our building, a building I have lived in for over a year now, and bash the gate right against my knee? I’ve opened that gate every day, as I say, for over a year already - why did I suddenly find my knee in the way, and give it quite such a solid wallop? I makes no sense at all, Myself. Am I angry at me?

I’ve also started catching things on door handles - scarves, headphones, sleeves, occasionally my hip bone - which leads to muddles and accidents. Yesterday, turning around in the kitchen, I whacked my head off a cupboard door I myself had just opened moments before. Why am I doing this? Is it a cry for help?

There’s a plastic mat by my desk at work which is supposed to stop us from tripping over the computer cables to snake across the floor. However, I’ve started, only within the last month, to trip over this on a semi-regular basis. Once I did it with such force I almost skidded across the entire length of the office on my belly. That wouldn’t have been dignified.

In short, Myself, I’d appreciate it if I could do something about my sense of balance and poor coordination. Really, I’m starting to let myself down, and I’m sorry to have to say this, but I’m very disappointed in myself. I’d better start bucking up my ideas and improve on these troubling areas, or else I’m going to have to start thinking about letting myself go.

There. I said it.

Kind regards

Yours sincerely,



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