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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Dear The Ladies Who Hang Around The Pool At My Gym,

It’s been really lovely getting to know all of you ladies over the last couple of months. I like that you’re all already so comfortable around me that you feel that you can totally just, like, be yourselves and not let common decency get in the way of your complete relaxation. I mean, I assumed that it would take some time for us all to feel like we could just, you know, like, let go and wind down, to feel like we could just hang out, but really, you guys have shown me the way forward.

I mean, I go to the gym to exercise. I go there, use the treadmill, use the cross trainer, and twice I’ve even used the resistance machines that the lady told me I should use every time I came to the gym. Funny, I’ve never seen any of you ladies in the gym area itself, come to think of it. But anyway, I, like you good ladies, enjoy the pool area the most.

I go to the pool to do laps, to swim up and down and back up again, over and over, sometimes for a full half an hour at a time. This helps me to release tension, to think through the events of my day, to organise my thoughts for the week ahead, and also it’s good for my back. But you ladies! You ladies have whole other ideas of what to do around the pool area in my gym.

You ladies quite literally let it all hang out. I’ve never seen so many large, pendulous breasts all collected together, swinging freely, in one small area. I had no idea there were so many stretch marked baps in North London, but now I know better. There are a lot of loose boobs around, and they all congregate around the pool area in my gym.

And the frequency with which you all go into, and then come out of, and then go back into, and then come back out of the sauna! That means that a real heat can’t build up at all, with the frequency of the door opening and closing and opening again, but that’s not really a problem for you ladies, the ladies with the massive, free range breasts. If there was a lot of heat, I understand, you wouldn’t be able to as liberally apply the various lotions and oils and scents that you do, rubbing these concoctions all over yourselves (and your breasts) with such wild abandon, despite the fact that all lotions, potions and particularly concoctions are not allowed around the pool area and sauna in my gym.

But my biggest joy, thanks to all of you ladies who wander, seemingly aimlessly, around the pool area in my gym is the sheer amount that y’all can talk. Y’all are talkers! I thought at first that maybe I was crashing some kind of special social gathering, where pendulous ladies with swinging breasts come together to rub in lotions and complain loudly about trains and their children, but now I understand that you are all also strangers to each other, as well as to me. But the chatter! The chatter around the pool area in my gym means that, for the most part, I have to get up and leave the pool area in my gym and go back home to get some peace and quiet.

And perhaps that’s the way it should be. Pendulous breasts aside, it’s probably not healthy to spend as much time as I’d like to in the pool area of my gym. I really stink of chlorine this days.

Kind regards

Yours sincerely,



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