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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Dear eBay,

Thank you so much for coming back into my life. It was with shock and surprise that I realised, upon opening up my account again, that it’s been over two years since I purchased anything from you! I’m sorry to have neglected you so badly. Please accept my heartfelt apologies. It will never happen again.

eBay, I can’t stress to you what a joy it is to be back aboard your fun train to financial ruin! I’ve found myself flipping through emotions in the same rate I flip through the pages of the Saturday newspapers (which I read with great speed and only occasional interest. I really only touch the paper so that I don’t look like a total imbecile and to impress He Who Only… on how seemingly interested I am in current affairs. Really, I’m desperate to get to the good bits in the magazine which involve Charlie Brooker and Jon Ronson).

Just yesterday I found myself in a furious bidding war with another eBayer, fighting over a costume jewellery bracelet which would be shipped from Hong Kong. My original bid was about £0.95, but I was willing to go all the way up to £3.52 just to piss off the other girl - and I won. I was elated. This piece of tat which I wouldn’t buy from Camden Market in a fit I am now having sent from Hong Kong to our Nest’O’Love, where it will gather dust and be a constant reminder of how actually mean I am that I won’t let anyone else win.

Thank you so much, eBay, for opening up the possibility that myself and He Who Only… can, one day soon, sleep underneath bed sheets that have been used previously by some strangers (who live, I am assured, in a pet and smoke free home).

We’ve even got a coat stand, on which to hang our coats, and some plastic starfish to hang up in our bathroom. eBay, without you, our Nest’O’Love wouldn’t be the shabby chic nest of comfort it now, one day soon, may be. Thank you, eBay.

Kind regards

Yours sincerely,



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