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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Things that I hate:

1. My job.
2. Waiting for MP3 files to download on to my computer.
3. Bloggers who don't update their blogs.
4. Studying for exams.
5. Exams.
6. The woman who stood beside me on the tube this morning.
7. Carrots when they're cooked.

My D317 exam is on Thursday. On Thursday at 5.31pm, the sound of weeping that you will hear echoing around Camden will be the sound of me. That sound will indicate my relief at the exam - and therefore my college term - being finished for this year. It will also indicate my extreme frustration at the fact that I only now understand what they've been trying to teach me these last eight months, and it's too late to learn it all now. It will also inevitably indicate my disappointment that the very few things that I did understand and have learned did not turn up in any of the exam questions, and I have had to pretend to misunderstand the questions asked in order to crow-bar in everything I know about the theory of fundamental attribution error.

I haven't been so convinced before about the fact that I'm definitely about to fail an exam since I took my final physics paper in 1994 (I failed it). But then again, I was utterly convinced that the last essay I wrote for the OU was a load of old codswallap and that got me a high 2:1 mark, so that either means (a) I'm a bigger genius than I thought or (b) I'm a bigger idiot than I thought, because I don't know a good answer when I have one.

Jeeeeeeeeesus. Everyone's now telling me that what I'm better off doing is laying off the study, because at this point I'm driving myself demented. I've written and re-written and then bullet pointed and colour coded and then re-written again all of my notes until now they're just names, dates, scribbles, prompts, acronyms and tear stained meaningless blobs of nonsense.

I'm also now torturing myself with the thought that at the end of all of this - what will be four years of part time study which takes up more time, energy, sanity and money than I really can afford to spare - I will come out with another BA that I never use again, and the feeling of worthlessness and uselessness that has started to weigh around my shoulders will get heavier and heavier until I find myself eyeing up speeding tube trains during rush hour.

One of my friends said to me last week that he doesn't know of anyone else in the world who deserves to win the lottery more than I do, because he is convinced that I would do something amazing and worthwhile with the money. I'd like a chance to do something amazing and worthwhile with my life, please. Paying my way through a part-time degree as I leave the final gasps of my 20s is not turning out to be as amazing, worthwhile, or even as tragically romantic as I had hoped it would be when I started. All I want now is to not have to work in an office where I hate up to 90% of the people there (including myself). Dear Jesus God Lord On High Above, is that really too much to ask?

Now, lovely people of the blog, can y'all please do me one favour? Please cross all fingers, toes, eyes, legs and squeeze your genital regions for all their worth in the hope that questions on racism & group dynamics, psychodynamic theory on relationships and whether or not social psychology is a science comes up in the exam. Otherwise you'll have to put up with me complaining about my commute every day from now until I find myself sizzling on some train tracks, and I don't think you'd like that to happen.

A great many thanks.

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