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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

The mice came back, after the landlords came and put beepy things in the wall. The beepy things emit a high pitched screaming noise, that translates in to mouse language as FUCK OFF AND DIE OR WE’LL COME AND GET YOU! over and over again. He Who Only… refers to them as his “shazzle button”, because by pressing the button you lower the pitch to human hearing levels, and it emits an irritating, whining noise. I take it as a compliment.

I was falling asleep on the sofa last Friday night, having watched Big Brother and changing my mind once again about who I like and who I hate. I was all curled up and comfortable, dozing off while uploaded music on to my MP3 player and everything in the world was cosey and loved when out of the corner of my eye something made a mad dash for the front door. I sat up. It was obviously a trick of the light. I’m imagining things.

I’m also imagining the scratching noise that’s coming from the corner where the lamp is, where He Who Only…’s bag lies crumpled underneath his coat. I’m also imagining the MOUSE THERE’S A MOUSE I CAN SEE A MOUSE OH MY GOD.

Three mice decided that, since I wasn’t moving I mustn’t be a threat, and having stood watching me for HOURS I DON’T DOUBT, THE EVIL MICE, they decided that now was as good as any time to see if I would do that cartoon trick of standing on top of a chair and screaming as they ran across the floor.

They got their wish.

Midnight in North London, and I’m hurling on a pair of jeans - shaking them out before hand to make sure that none of the EVIL MOUSE OVERLORDS had crawled up the legs - and running out the door of the flat to the nearest pub to await He Who Only…’s return from a gig. DEAREST LORD IN HEAVEN AND ON EARTH, what did I do to deserve this mouse plague?

Laughing with nerves on the way back to the flat about an hour later, when He Who Only… came back to rescue me in that manly fashion that he has, I started to babble about the fact that mouse infestations are a sign of bad karma - I’ve done something wrong, and karma is punishing me by inflicting A PLAGUE UPON MY HOUSEHOLD. I’d prefer if the walls started bleeding, truth be told.


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