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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Shitting fuck, people. It's happened. It's freaking happened. A-fucking-gain.

I've started smoking again. How the fuck did this happen?

Mrs Bishop was over a couple of months ago, and stirred on by her constant waving about of cigarettes and telling me how great they are, coupled with the fact that she STRAPPED ME DOWN and FORCED ME TO SMOKE, I happened to come across a packet of cigarettes on my way home one evening, when I walked into a shop and asked a man for them, and he gave them to me in exchange for some money.

And then I started carrying them around in my bag with me, obviously, because if I left them at home He Who Only... would find them and lose respect for me, and probably not love me anymore, and then he would leave me and FOR PITY'S SAKE SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN so obviously I carried them around with me, and then once during lunchtime I was feeling really pissed off at work and we were in a pub and so I had one of the cigarettes, and it was quite nice even though it made me cough and feel a bit sick but it feels like being a grown up and all the cool girls started talking to me, so I kept at it until the dizziness passed.

And then those 10 cigarettes I'd bought had gone away, all up in smoke in fact, and then I had to go to the pub one lunchtime and it had been a horrible weekend before and I was feeling sorry for myself because I'd imagined that my boss was mean to me, even though he wasn't at all, and anyway I'M AN ADULT AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME so I bought some more cigarettes and then when I was talking to the lady from the Council and I was imagining she was being mean to me, even though she wasn't at all, so I smoked some more cigarettes and then all of a sudden it's today, and I'm by myself in the flat and I'VE HAD A CIGARETTE WHILE WATCHING BIG BROTHER and now I think I smoke again.

For Fuck's Sake.


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