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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

There's a spider crawling down the wall behind the computer.

"There's a spider on the wall," I've just told He Who Only..., who is sitting on the sofa behind me, drinking a beer and watching the Champions League Final.

"Yes," he said, without looking up. "It's all under control."

"There's a spider on the wall. Over here, on the wall," I said again, turning around to stress the point to him, as he continued to watch the television.

"Yes," he said, looking straight ahead and never once deviating his gaze, "I've got my eye on him."

I turned all the way around and looked at him. "I don't know where he's going."

"It's fine," he said, "I'll deal with it in a minute."

I turned back to the computer. The spider was nowhere to be seen.

"I can't see the spider," I said.

"It's fine," he said again, "I know where he is."

If it turns out he's on my fucking back, someone's going to be single very very very soon.

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