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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

I was sitting in my OU class on Saturday, wondering why in the Lord's good name, on one of the only two days I have to call my own during the week, I was sitting not two streets across from my office at 10.00am, clutching a soya mocha and grappling with conciousness.

I found a list of things I had made to blog about and stuffed into my text book, probably at some other point when I supposed to be studying. Most of the stuff on the list I have since covered, or abandoned - for example "hearing horse outside" appeared earlier this month, although you're never going to hear the tale of "irish accent at work", or even "gig - marriage and lesbians" because that was just too long ago, and you should never go back.

That said, item two on the list is particularly intriguing, since at first glance I had no idea what it refers to. It simply says "trying not to hit - CCTV".

I’ve had a think, and it may refer to the uncontrollable rage that occasionally washes over me, but which I haven’t succumbed to just yet, when walking through the areas of this great city where people congregate to get in each other’s way. I’m suddenly visited by voices, who tell me to push a person, kick another person, or to pull the hair of a third person, simply because they aren’t walking quickly enough, or because they’re crossing my path or entering my personal space.

The one thing that thankfully stops me from indulging any of these urges is the thought that at any given time there are about six different CCTV cameras on me. My seemingly unprovoked attack (and the battering I would receive immediately following it) would be captured and available for replay from any number of angles, and since I don’t want to appear on Crimewatch, or Britain Dumbest Criminals, I have so far managed to avoid doing anything more than occasionally making faces (and once a rude gesture) behind people’s backs.


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