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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

I have found a new hangover cure, one that will change the quality of your life from 7am to 12pm, when you are usually suffering through the worst while struggling to understand why those people wearing suits and ties keep asking you to do things when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and die. Well, no more dehydrated suffering for you. I have found the way, and this way does not involve unhealthy fry-ups, sugar filled caffeine drinks or jumping naked into the nearest large body of water (or indeed simply jumping naked into the nearest large body). This way is a guaranteed winner.

What you will need for this hangover cure:
- A pounding headache, heaving stomach and about 4 hours of sleep the night before.
- You will need to be over anxious and in a hurry to get to a meeting.
- All overland trains must be delayed, with no announcements made or explanations given.
- There must also be a problem with the Central line, and you must be held at the ticket gates by surly Underground staff for up to five minutes.
- You must allow two packed commuter tubes to pass before finally managing to squeeze onto the third, equally packed tube.
- Finally, you will need a middle aged crazy lady to start pushing and yelling for no reason.

And then the hangover cure is ready to begin.

This morning, I tried it for myself, when, one stop into my journey, a crazy middle aged lady squeezed on to the carriage I was packed into, demanding that the entire carriage move up one spot so that she could fit on. When none of us moved, due to the fact that there was absolutely nowhere for us to move, she fixated on me, and started yelling at me that I wasn’t letting her onto the train. I have long since perfected my London Middle Distance Stare and my La La La I Can’t Hear You London Facial Expression, and I immediately put both in place. Crazy Lady kept screaming. The doors then closed behind her, catching her right on her Crazy Lady behind and forcing her even closer to me and the rest of the horrified train.

The train then pulled off, which apparently surprised her more than anything else, because she promptly fell on top of me and two other people, jamming us against the plastic barrier. Crazy Lady then started giving out again, this time seemingly to the powers of gravity and the inventor of the locomotive engine. I would have shaken my head and tutted, but there wasn’t even enough room for me to do that.

However, I noticed when I was finally freed from the crush of people and made my way out of the tube station and towards work that I was feeling considerably better. Remarkably better. Unbelievably better. The weird adrenaline rush that I had experienced when she had first started screaming, the second jolt I got when she landed on top of me, and the third feeling of "maybe she’s going to spontaneously combust through her own powers of anger and self righteousness and take all of us to hell with her" I had for the rest of the journey, with absolutely no way of moving about or shaking it off, had completely expelled the remaining alcohol from my body.

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