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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Number 17 in the continuing series entitled “The Reason I Will One Day Be Arrested For Beating a Complete Stranger Around The Face and Head With My Bag”; or “Why? Why Would You Do This In Public? Why?”

We are all on the central line at around 5.45pm. We are all squeezed in very close together. We are all trying to pretend this is not happening. We are all studiously avoiding each other’s gaze. But you? You are leaning against the door, and you are reading a book, and you are picking food from your teeth. From your back teeth. You are picking the food from the back of your teeth, and taking that food out of your mouth on your fingers, and inspecting the food particles and then sucking your finger, and the continuing your exploration.

I am trying not to be sick.

Another day. We are all on the central line at around 9.10am. We are all squeezed in very close together. We are all trying to pretend this is not happening. We are all studiously reading our free racist newspapers. But you? You are sitting in a seat and you are chewing your fingernails. You have no fingernails to chew. I don’t mean that they are bitten down quite short. Your fingernails are bitten right down to the quick, so that you actually, literally, have no fingernails to bite. You are essentially chewing on your fingers as if desperate to get to the bone underneath. You chew on the finger, you remove the finger from your mouth and inspect the not-nail, you chew on the finger, you remove the finger from your mouth and inspect the not-nail, you keep doing this over and over again.

I am trying not to be sick.

Another day. We are all on the central line at about 5.35pm. We are all squeezed in very close together. We are all trying to pretend this is not happening. We are all considering killing you. You are standing, happy as you like, in the aisle between the seats and you are picking at your nose, rolling what you find between your fingers, sometimes wiping the debris on your trousers, but more often than not putting what you find in your mouth and making a satisfied sucking sound. You then return once more to your explorations.

We are all trying not to be sick.

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