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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

[I started writing this on Sunday. That's how long these questions have taken me to answer. Isn't that terrible?]

I have three words for you people: Wireless. Internet. Access.

I turned on my laptop today just after He Who Only... left, because I've got one heck of a work load for the day and after drinking for TEN HOURS IN A ROW yesterday, I need to get my head down and do some serious essay writing before my entire degree collapses around my ears.

Three hours later, and I've not finished being on the internet yet. Sure, I could justify some of it as being study related, cos I looked at the OU site for about 10 minutes reading about how much trouble other students are having answering these seriously difficult questions about the development of language in the brain, but fuck it, people, I've got blogs to catch up on.

I am particularly sensationally grateful to Caoimhe for tagging me for the quiz below. It's so odd to find myself listed alongside an ex-boyfriend by a stranger as one of the seven people who should answer questions. The world of the internet gets smaller every time I log on.

The answers to this question will not be interesting. They are, after all, merely a diversionary tactic which means that it will yet be another two hours before essay writing really begins.

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. Get arrested.
2. Learn to drive.
3. Travel on at least one long-haul flight.
4. Buy a house/flat/shed.
5. Own at least three dogs at one time.
6. Finish my stupid psychology degree.
7. Finish writing this post.

Seven things I can do:
1. I can type 95 words a minute.
2. I can text at approximately the same rate.
3. I can waste time a spectacularly efficient manner that leaves bystanders breathless with awe.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Seven things I can not do:
1. I can't answer the question "What are you thinking?" with any kind of satisfactory answer. This morning, when I was asked that question, I was thinking about what it would be like if the television series Angel was actually real, and then immediately what I'd do if Wesley hadn't died and asked me to marry him, because it would be difficult to be married to someone who is a demon hunter, because of all the worry that would involve. And what I'd call our puppy, because I want to call my puppy Wesley, but I can't do that if I'm married to Wesley, because that would be confusing. So when He Who Only... asked me that question, I had no satisfactory answer. My thoughts are usually about puppies.
2. I can't stand up for myself in a fight.
3. I can't leave my bedroom slightly messy. It will either look like a bin and a wardrobe exploded in some unlikely scientific experiment gone wrong, or that the person living there obviously has trouble walking on cracks in pavements, such is the nature of the way everything is lined up against the wall at ONE STRAIGHT LINE.
4. I can’t help having imaginary conversations with people I feel have wronged me throughout my life.
5. I can’t compile lists with seven things in them.
6.
7.

Seven things that I find really attractive about the opposite sex:
1. The ability to make me laugh.
2. The ability to laugh at my jokes.
3. A relaxed attitude towards hair and general appearance: me like the scruff look.
4. Really rather large genitals.
5.
6.
7.

Seven things I say the most:
"Fuck it."
"Dude."
"Many thanks."
"Fuck you."
"Cunt."
"LOOK AT THE DOGGIE!"
"Seriously..."

Seven books I love:
This quiz is too hard. I love lots of books, for various reasons. Actually, come to think of it, I think I’ve already taken this particular quiz – I remember having actual physical pain trying to narrow my choices down to seven. The first seven books I can think of, then:
1. You Shall Know Our Velocity – Dave Eggers
2. The Vesuvius Club – Mark Gatiss
3. Paperweight – Stephen Fry
4. The Number One Ladies Detective Agency – Alexander McCall Smith
5. Vernon God Little – DBC Pierre
6. Brideshead Revisited
7. The World According to Garp

Seven people I would like to see take this quiz:
I would like H to take it, because she always posts everything with an almost unbearable truthfulness that I admire and wish I could emulate; I would like Mrs Bishop to take it, because she's a lazy arse who hasn't updated her blog in about seven years; I would like Jon Ronson to answer it because I'm still ridiculously interested in the character he's building to represent himself; I would like Deej to fill it in too, because her answers are always either insightful or entertaining, and usually both; I would like He Who Only… to fill it in, because it’s good to keep him busy and he’ll go mental trying to think of amusing responses; I would like two other people to nominate themselves.

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