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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

We were sitting in the pub (how many of these entries have involved conversations or ideas that started in the pub? I worry for my liver. If my liver could speak, it would slur it’s words and tell me it loves me very much.) and He Who Only… started telling me about the Fantasy Football that he and his frankly untoward friends would be playing this year, as they had last year, and very possibly the year before. You sign up, you pay a nominal fee, you pick a team (11 players and a manager) and then you sit back and rack up points, with the option of making a few transfers along the way during the season. Within the game there are “super leagues”, of which He Who Only… is the chairman this year, and if you have 10 or more people in your league then you can compete against other groups in order to win actual cash prizes at the end of the season, should you be fortunate enough to score lots of points.

I expressed an interest in joining up, and so up I joined. The way I picked my team was initially to pick the players whose names I knew, and who I knew for a fact to be pretty, facially speaking. The second rule I applied was by picking the rest of the footballers whose names I knew. Then, having picked most of the Irish football team (the ones I recognised at least) I picked some random players towards the end.

My team is currently the last in our super league.

I am not happy with this.

Not only is it the last, it is a good five points below the second last. The leader of the board currently has about 6,000 more points than me, and it’s only the first week.

I do not like losing.

Ladies, Gents (and particularly Eoin, who I know will help here), I would like some of your kind assistance please. I am in a position to make some transfers, and although it’s quite early in the game to be doing so, a word or two in my direction might be good, if I’ve managed to pick some right biffers, which I think I have. If you recognise any of these people as being the ones who will drag me down kicking and screaming, then please do let me know and I can rectify the mistake.

This is most important. I can’t stress that enough. I’m in competition with Mrs Bishop, for one, but more importantly, I’m in competition with He Who Only… and he cannot be allowed to win, else I will Never. Hear. The. End. Of. It.

My team:
S Given Newcastle Goalkeeper
G Johnson Chelsea Defender
A Hughes Aston Villa Defender
G Naysmith Everton Defender
G Breen Sunderland Defender
M Holland Charlton Midfielder
D Duff Chelsea Midfielder
S Gerrard Liverpool Midfielder
J Barton Manchester City Midfielder
Robbie Keane Tottenham Forward
D Cisse Liverpool Forward
R Benitez Liverpool Manager

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