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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

All bad things come in threes. This is a strict rule adhered to by all bad things, as bad things respond well to structure and regulation. Last week, when the Colombian plane crashed, I remember turning to He Who Only… and matter of factly clarifying that that, right there, was our three. First Canada, then Athens, now Colombia. Three plans, three crashes, job done. Plane crashes stay memorable for me most of the time, and I eat up all details of causes and fatalities. This is particularly evident when I’m planning a jaunt in one of them myself, as indeed I am tomorrow. And I, I’m very proud to say, genuinely believe in this “All-Things-In-Threes” nonsense, because I think I once heard my mother say it to my father in passing while I was at an impressionable age, and it’s just kind of stuck ever since. So, perversely, I was pleased to hear about the Colombian crash. If they’ve crashed, it means we won’t, you see. It’s a comfort. The Rule Of Three has been applied and the world has righted itself.

So image my horror this morning on hearing the news of the crash in Peru. Hot damn, I thought to myself, that’s just not possible. My quandary now is this: when you’ve already publicly declared your Three, is it too late to go back and reassess? The crash in Canada, you see, doesn’t strictly count (if you don’t want it to) because no one died. In this case, Peru could just be added to Athens and Colombia and the superstitious triangle is complete, and so I can board the plane tomorrow without the slightest concern for my welfare. But if, once the declaration has been made (as it so rashly was, by me, to He Who Only… while we casually sat on the train, thinking all was right in the world), and if there are strictly no takey-backys, then a new set of three has been triggered by the Peruvian “events”, and I’m in greater danger as the Rule Of Three stalks the earth knocking planes out of the sky.

Aren’t you glad you won’t be sitting beside me tomorrow evening?

For tradition’s sake, then, here are my flight details. Well, it’s worked so far. I’m also taking the added precaution of insisting that He Who Only… comes with me, as some kind of life-sized lucky charm. Can’t fail.

PASSENGERS
1. SHAZZLE ADT 2. HE WHO ONLY… ADT

GOING OUT
From London Stansted(STN) to Dublin(DUB)
Thu, 25Aug05 Flight FR297 Depart STN at 19:40 and arrive DUB at 20:50

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