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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Today, I am Working. I am a Working Lady (not like that). I have a Job. My Job involves answering the phone at a law firm, and opening the post. I have been in the office since 8.30 this morning, and I only finished opening the post five minutes ago.

The very difficult thing about my job today is that it is quite similar to my old Job in Dublin. This means that when I say “Good morning/afternoon, [name of law firm]”, I want to say “Good morning/afternoon, [name of Irish law firm]” and so every time I press the button that says Answer Release I have to think for a moment before if I’m working for [name of law firm] or [name of Irish law firm] and make sure I say the right one. My Job is very difficult.

My Job is mainly telling people that there is nobody available. This is because there is nobody available. Everybody has gone out. Everybody. The entire firm are off on a firm-bonding trip. This means that whenever anybody rings asking for their solicitor, I have to tell them that they’re not available “at the moment” and put them through to voice mail. This does not make people happy. People are not happy to speak to machines. People want to speak to people.

A lady – just this very moment – got very cross with me because I told her there was no one available from the department she wanted to speak to. She used the word “bloody”, which is quite a cross word for a lady to use down the phone to a law firm. Some other people hung up the phone when I told them that there was no one available. Other people do deep sighs as if I’m telling them lies and there are in fact a lot of people in the firm right at this moment, but they’re all hiding underneath their desks with their fingers on their lips trying not to giggle at this great joke we are playing on our clients. When people can’t speak to their solicitors, they get cross. Today, my Job is answering the phone and making people cross.

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