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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

A Guide to Working the Shower in my New House (As I Understand It):

Step One: Make sure the taps are set to bath, rather than shower head. This is done by pushing down on the handle in between the hot and cold taps.
Step Two: Turn on the Hot Tap (this is the red one). This one produces the cold water.
Step Three: Get completely soaked in cold water as the handle in between the taps will have leapt up and made water come out of the shower head above you.
Step Four: Make it go back to bath.
Step Five: Keep running the cold water through the Hot Tap.
Step Six: Turn the Cold Tap (this is the blue one). This one produces the hot water. Turn it the smallest fraction possible.
Step Seven: Feel the temperature of the water. It will be at a pleasing, shower-friendly setting.
Step Eight: Pull up the handle in between the hot and cold taps. Water will come out of the shower head above you.
Step Nine: Enjoy the pleasing, shower-friendly water temperature for approximately 10 seconds.
Step Ten: Be suddenly scalded by the unexpected leap in temperature as the taps decide that they no longer know what cold water is.
Step Eleven: Pushing down the handle in between the hot and cold taps.
Step Twelve: Repeat steps four through to eleven until utterly despondent.

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