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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Most of the lovely people I'm glad to call my friends have been good enough to join in my game, and have sent me profiles of their good selves. Not a single member of what I'm forced to call my family are playing along. Therefore, my family will be getting cruel profiles written up and published for the ENTIRE WORLD to see.

First prize goes to Dee, because she was first to join in the game. Her prize comes in the form of a new blog, which will be attached to this one like some kind of weird and wrong Siamese growth. I will link to it when it's fully formed. From there, y'all can read everything that happens in her head. I might put some kind of parental guidance across the top though.

Below are the entries sent in. They're all brilliant. You can find even more information (and PICTURES!!!) in the About Shazzle section.

Many, many thanks.

Dave (aka He Who Only...):
"Born 31/08/78 aged 52 becoming progressively younger with each passing year. 78-84 Served with distinction behind Iron Curtain with BritishSecret Vetinary Dental Service losing leg in process (not his own). 85-87 Govenor General of Bemuda. 87-Present editor of Bandeja-Inoperante! (Lusaphone Comedic Review). Decorated twice by the Queen and once by Changing Rooms. Keen amateur heterosexual."

"JC is a bad ass motherfucker who'll come in your house and wreck it but because he's so cool it'll look even better than it did before and you'll probably win a prize and the value of your house will increase. YEAH! Even if he kicked a baby in it's stary-confused face it would just make it better looking and prettier and it would win a modeling contract and probably the value of your house would increase. YEAH! OOHHH!!! He's so motherfucking cool!!!! And he LOVES Doctor Who cos it's cool and that's cos everything he does is cool. Even plain girls he has kissed have become society darlings and the value of their house has increased. He's got skillz that killz. I love him and so do you."

"I was christened Deirdre but then that evolved through lax pronunciation standards in the late 1980's to Dee which remained pretty much unchanged until Dee was introduced to Shazzle and her influence was to result in the letter "j" being stuck to the end to produce Deej which remains my name's current status at this time of entry.

Who am I? I am 29, I have browny reddy chestnut hair, I'm not the most organised person in the world and some have even called me scatty. I have a beautiful daughter called Rosie who's brill. My dad and I were only talking with her teacher the other day and she told us that Rosie is doing fabulously well in school, especially at spelling, reading, writing, singing and talking (!). In fact I might get her to add her own little entry about herself as she'd probably put it heaps better. So I am also a proud mother!

Shazzle, Mrs Bishop and I made up the Losers Triad in school. I'm still in first position in the league as I haven't got a university degree to follow the Deej bit of my name like the other two members.

What am I? I'm single and looking for lurve that's what I am!"

"Moo comes from a lullaby my inventive mother stumbled upon which had the effect of making me fall asleep within five mins flat. It went like "Maire Moo, MaireMoo, Maire Moo, ma ma moo ma moo" and was repeated like a mantra until I fell asleep. It got to the point I used to scream when I heard it... then snooze. My husband (that is still weird) started calling me Moo quite independently, as did his mother, then the Shazzle, Banky and Weeze and now it has stuck.

Also I am from Norn Iron, living in Dublin and I work with lots of wonderful homeless men. I have two fat furry babies (which are otherwise known as Labradors). One is Mr Charles B Bear, aka Charlie Bear, he loves to eat bras, knickers, socks etc and the other is Derry Doglet, who is old and dignified and a lady. I am currently addicted to cigarettes and blogs, and yes I do enjoy an auld eavesdrop on everyone elses life, better than Eastenders anyday. I used to be queen of innuendos but have let that slip a little, instead I share graphic information on all bodily functions as everyone else's reaction amuses me.

Oh yeah, I felt Noel Fielding's bum at the comedy festival and it was all pert, firm and lovely."


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