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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

I have, it has to be admitted, an unnatural obsession with other people's lives, particularly with the minute and mundane details. Therefore, I absolutely love the winter - more darkness means more lights switched on in front rooms, which means that when I walk down the streets I can see in to the houses of strangers. This becomes even easier in December, when the Christmas decorations are up, and everyone throws aside their right to privacy to display trees and fairy lights. This means you can stare right in to their lives under the guise of admiring their festive spirit.

Standing on the steps of the new residence of He Who Only... and having a sneaky fag, and with a lack of neighbours directly across the road on which to inflict my evil eye, I found myself staring at the drivers of the cars going by. But then one of the cars slowed down, almost to a complete stop, right outside the house, and I had the instinctive, Irish, I-was-brought-up-to-believe-that-everyone-in-London-will-at-any-time-produce-a-gun-and-shoot-you-dead-for-no-reason panic.

The car kept going.

It was only after this had happened two more times with the next two cars that I noticed the speed bump placed right outside the door. So really it was fortunate that I hadn't quite got round to grabbing the flack jacket and sniper rifle I carry with me wherever I go and started firing indiscriminately.

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