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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

It's been a full week now since I had a cigarette. My lungs are celebrating this fact by trying to crawl wholly out of my body through the art of projectile coughing, and crawl in to the body cavity of the nearest smoker, so that they're able to bask in the glory of sweet, sweet nicotine once more. The best time of the year to give up smoking has always been when winter is approaching, but hasn't quite arrived yet. This is now especially true here in Ireland, because you have to stand outside to smoke everywhere on this island, and it's very cold and not really fun any more. The standing in the cold will give you a flu, then you'll get a cough, then you won't be able to inhale deeply, and you'll have to give up smoking for a little while, then you'll realise you haven't smoked for a week, and you'll decide to give it a bit longer, see how it goes, you'll get to six months and feel really smug and go round telling people how easy it is to give up smoking and then you'll realise it's April and nearly summer and the evenings are quite long and bright and warm, and smoking outdoors is actually quite a sociable thing to do, and sure one won't hurt, will it?

Last Thursday night, at about 1 in the morning as we walked towards the night bus in the city centre, myself and my sister Edel stopped to buy a bottle of water, as my coughing had already begun, and we thought it would help. While I was in the shop, Edel got talking to a homeless gentleman who was sitting outside. When I came back out, she introduced me to him, and he delightedly informed me that he was just coming up on a tab of acid that some nice young men had given him earlier in the night. We asked him was he happy, and he said that he was, and that he was on the start of a very nice trip. Then he looked me square in the eye and told me I had very beautiful hair.

You should go hear this - (38 minutes in to the programme)

"Everywhere I look, I see myself. Just like - "
"Narcissus"
"In the Greek Tales. Everything I touch turns to gold, just like - "
"Midas"
"In the Greek Tales. I flew too close to the sun, just like - "
"Icarus"
"In the Greek Tales. I want to have sex with my mum, just like - "
"Oedipus"
"In the Greek Tales. I was ruled by Chairman Mau, just like - "
"China"
"In the Greek Tales. Heaven knows I'm miserable now, just like - "
"Morrisey"
"In the Greek Tales. I was nailed upon the cross, just like - "
"Jesus"
"In the Greek Tales. My brother is Jonathon Ross, just like - "
"Paul Ross"
"In the Greek Tales."

This entry was posted on 24 October 2004 at 4:38 pm. 0 comments

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