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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

This week's friday five hasn't appeared yet, so I'm doing one from 2002 instead, because I am totally unable to formulate ideas of my own.

1. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day?
Turn on my mobile and read the hundreds of messages received, usually either from Susan, JC or my sister. Move the cat off my toes so I can get up, have a shower, swear at my mother's insistence that she speak to me within two hours of my waking. Then I usually wander around the house looking lost, and finally check my email.

2. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed?
Wash and apply any of the 17,000 different clinique products I have, turn off my mobile, watch a DVD or E4 for about an hour and a half, move the cat off the bed and then lie awake for hours trying to get rid of whatever song in my head that is keeping me awake (last night it was "Army" by Ben Folds Five).

3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day?
Yesterday my stinking consultant gave me three extremely painful exercises I have to do every day. "Do this one 100 times a day," he says, smiling smugly down at me as he looms above the hospital bed pulling my leg back behind me in a way that is seriously threatening to prolapse my prolapsed disc to the point of no return, "you'll soon notice the difference." Oh, I've already noticed. And what is worse is that my mother was there at the consultation and now every time I'm sitting down doing nothing, she's yelling at me like Harvey from Fit Club to drop and do twenty.

4. What routine do you wish you could get rid of?
The fucking exercises. Although obviously Mr Consultant said that it would all get easier over time. Which is darned easy for him to say, when he also pointed out that I will have set backs and I will probably need another epidural in six to eight months time to deal with the pain again. Woo. Hoo.

5. What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day?
If I don't send and receive at least 20 text messages a day, I feel like I've become cut off from the world. Luckily I have friends who also appear to have this complex (some of them to the point of OCD), so I can manage to achieve that total usually within three hours of turning my phone on. Yesterday, I made a phone call that cost me €35. On one call. You have to admire that kind of dedication.

This entry was posted on 02 April 2004 at 12:22 pm. 0 comments

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