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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Important lessons that I have learned this week:

1. When sitting on your door step at 4 o'clock in the morning, having a phone conversation with someone you've literally just seen about what's literally just happened, it's important to keep very still. Because if you keep very still, a hedgehog will come out through the gate to your right and walk right across your feet. It's really brilliant. You should all come round mine and try it.

2. When shopping with a hangover brought on partly by alcohol and partly by sleep deprivation (which is partly through alcohol and partly through watching 15 Storeys High at 4.30am to try to get over the hedgehog experience), you will mainly buy things with (a) sugar, (b) fizz, (c) salt or (d) more sugar in them. Food that is blue, red or pink is also more appealing when in this state.

3. Never agree to look after someone's dog when said dog is smaller than a cat, and can work out a way of escaping through every tiny mouse hole in the house. Especially never agree to look after said dog when said dog's owner has just celebrated her 86th birthday, is your only grand parent, and refers to said dog as "my little baby". And refers to you by your mother's name.

4. Never get in a taxi with anyone of the opposite sex late at night when they don't exactly live anywhere in the direction of your house, because this tends to lead to inappropriate kissing, which then leads to awkward situations with friends, and uncomfortable stilted conversations. Importantly, though, this can also lead to hedgehogs walking across your feet.

Every cloud, etc.

This entry was posted on 26 March 2004 at 9:17 pm. 0 comments

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