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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

friday five...
... because I'm too tired to think for myself.

If you...

1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Vegetarian food without mushrooms or aubergines (or anything with the texture of snails). And an option for toast and marmite, whatever the hour.

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
I would sell small merchandise. Toy dogs, miniature self-help books, bonsai trees and dwarves.

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
It would be hilariously and irritatingly self-indulgent, along the lines of any other book written by anyone who has ever kept a weblog.

4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
I would teach girls how to trap and marry rich men so that they would never need to do another damn thing in their lives.

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
Rubbish cover versions of all my favourite Ben & Jason songs, totally ruined by over production and out of tune backing vocals but invoking an interest in the original artists so that people went out and bought their music instead and then Ben & Jason would have to reform and play concerts in Dublin, concerts to which I would be particularly invited and allowed in for free to, because I was the one that had resurrected their careers. Or, you know, some MOR jazz tunes.

Also, it has been drawn to my attention that today is steak and blow job day, a day for boys (or, of course, girls) who have had to shell out a lot of money for valentines day and today get what they think is their just reward. I applaud the instigation of this, a wonderful new holiday. I look forward to Hallmark catching wind of it and providing us with lovely greeting cards to give to our better halves.

This entry was posted on 20 March 2004 at 3:17 pm. 0 comments

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