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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

I got my letter from the Unnamed Orthopaedic Hospital today telling me all about my Day Ward Admission (everything is capitalised in this letter, which is the standard style of hospital correspondence - it makes everything appear slightly more scary, sinister, and official). "Arrangements" have apparently been made for my Day Admission, and I am to attend their Day Ward on Wednesday, 28 Jan 2004 at 8:00am (their emphasis, not mine).

Eight O'Clock in the Morning really is quite early to be cruising up to any hospital, especially with the knowledge that at some unspecified point thereafter, some child dressed up like a doctor will be stabbing me in the spine with a very long needle. The letter clearly states in one of it's many bullet points that I'm not allowed take any "valuables, jewellery, dentures or mobile phones" with me as "the hospital is not responsible for their safety". Well, call me picky, but if they can't garauntee the safety of some dentures, how can I trust them with my spine?

Or am I being too fussy? The most horrifying point in the leter is the last bullet point of the first section, which tells me that I must "Arrange for a responsible adult to accompany you home and to have care provided for 24 hours following discharge". Thing is, I don't know any responsible adults, since my parents skipped the country to go sit in the sun for five weeks, abandoning me with my older brother who seems to be going through a second adolescence. I'll have to ask if my sister will do.

Officially, I'm frightened. But I'm not going to worry about it until Tuesday, 27 Jan 2004.


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