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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Today finds me at my last temping position… thank the tiny lord baby Jesus who is up above smiling benignly and slightly patronisingly down upon me. Yesterday and today - but, and this is the important part, not tomorrow - I have been working in an estate agents a mere hop, skip and jump away from the city centre. It's been a pleasure, you can just imagine, but the only thing that got me out of bed (besides the veritable panic attack that was induced by the words "It's coming up to half past eight") was the fact that today is the last day working in an office that I will be doing until September.

Temping is all right, which I've had to explain every blinking Monday for the past three months. That's one of the biggest problems with temping, in fact, or at least one of the biggest irritants - the fact that you have the same conversations all the time with people. Other secretaries want to know where you've worked and if you know so-and-so. Partners want to know where you've worked and if their firm is as good as the rest of them. All I want to know is where to make a cup of tea and if I can skive off for a smoke. Oh, and the password to get on to the internet, if that's not too much trouble.

The Festival is now well and truly upon us, in that Susan is now in town and that can mean only one thing - very late nights. Last night I managed quite well to get home by 12.30am, but even so I feel like crap today. It's been officially confirmed by my liver that I'm not going to be able to drink at all this year, which should make for some kind of interesting social experiment, because I've never been around so many drinking people for such an extended length of time and not been a drinking person myself. I've also been given my first deadline of the Festival, and fully intend to have written eight reviews by late Friday night. But that's probably in the same way that I fully intended to have my OU essay done by last weekend (still haven't finished reading the first chapter).

And now, because someone told me last night that he thought the Friday Fives were funny, here is a belated Friday Five:

1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?
"Who's Got The Crack?" I'd've preferred "Good Morning Vietnam" but apparently that's already taken.

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?
Well, the title song is already sorted - that's due to my clever naming technique of stealing the title of a Moldy Peaches song and pretending that I thought of it myself. I think the whole film will then have to be "inspired by" that song, or at least "based on an idea by Moldy Peaches" so that I can get away with having that song as the title song. Which, naturally, means that I will now have to start living my life according to what is set down in the lyrics.

I'd also like "Bright Eyes" and "The Final Countdown" on the soundtrack.

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?
Oh, it'd have to be live-action. All grainy. And slightly hysterically colour-treated, like Amelie. With a pointlessly melodramatic soundtrack. No explosions, because they bore me. No car chases. Some gratuitous nudity on behalf of Colin Farrell. In fact, I've a feeling Farrell may spend a lot of the movie in a state of undress. That should help liven it up considering, because if it is really based on my life, there's going to be a lot of scenes where the main characters sit in complete silence in offices reading Popbitch and sending pithy emails to each other.

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?
I'd be played by Jessica Stevenson, but only on the assumption that she can do a decent Irish accent. My Dad will be played by Colm Meaney and my mother (although she won't thank me for this) by Brenda Fricker. Everyone else will be played by bit-part actors from Ballykissangel and The Commitments, except for Susan, who will be played by someone from EastEnders. If you have any suggestions on who should play you in "Who's Got The Crack?" email me at the address to the left.

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.
Do I have to do all the work for you?


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