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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Friday Five

1. How are you planning to spend the summer?
How sweet of you to ask. Well, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it often enough for it to have been noticed before now, but you may have seen me talking about the Edinburgh Festival. Now, because I’m a grown up, I have a job – well, I almost always have a job. And jobs mean that your summer, once you become an adult, lasts approximately 2 weeks. However, because I’m not really a grown up (I’m just pretending – shh, don’t tell anyone), I’m running away and hiding from any gainful employment and will instead be spending three weeks at the Edinburgh Festival. So that’s how I’m planning to spend the summer. I’m planning to spend September hiding from the bailiffs.

2. What was your first summer job?
Working in a rehabilitation hospital in Dublin. Funny story – there is one intensive care ward in the hospital, where three of the most critical patients stay while getting intensive rehab treatment. For a few hours every day, they’re taken out of their beds and propped up on chairs. Most of the patients in the hospital are spinal injuries, and a good percentage of them are paralysed from the neck down. One patient, if you walked in to his eyeline while he was sitting out in his chair would start to say “kill me, kill me, kill me” over and over again, and cry.

3. If you could go anywhere this summer, where would you go?
I’d go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And then cheat and have a second summer at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. And I’d like to go to Galway for two weeks too.

4. What was your worst vacation ever?
No, dear, we don’t say ‘vacation’, we say ‘holiday’. Thanks. I’ve never really had a truly disastrous holiday, every one of them holds their own special horror, and of course treasured memories. I suppose the last really crappy time I had was January 2002 when I went home and then couldn’t walk for a week, thereby wasting all the time I had when I could have been seeing my friends, and instead got to lie on the floor in the front room watching pay per view films.

5. What was your best vacation ever?
‘Holiday’, dear, ‘holiday’. Dunno. Potentially the 1999 Edinburgh Festival, cos it was the first time I stayed up for the duration, I stayed in a hostel for most of it, and met loads of really weird but really great people and had a brilliant time for not particularly too much money. I also really loved the last time we went on a family holiday to Galway, I think that was Easter 2002. I’ve still got photos from that up on my wall at home. Me and my Mum found a dead dolphin on the beach.

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