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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson


Six days left at work. Boss off on conference. Filing done. Papers sorted out. Nothing to do. Bored now. Sitting at desk trying to look busy, with secretary beside me fully aware that I’m slacking off on the net, and it’s not even 11am. What to do? Hey! Friday Five!

1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?
We used to have a water purifier at home in Dublin, which was kept in the fridge but it got all skanky with this green muck all over the filter. So that’s put me off that concept. I can’t drink the water from the tap in Edinburgh, it all seems to be a little cloudy for me, and the fact that you have to chew it puts me off. So I buy and drink bottled because I’m a spoilt brat and it makes me feel like I’m in an American sitcom.

But more than water, I sing the praises of Vanilla flavour Diet Coke – the most unnatural thing ever invented to put into your mouth.

2. What are your favourite flavor of chips?
You mean ‘crisps’, colonial scum.

There was a girl featured in the Metro this morning who apparently collects crisp bags – any time the design changes, she’s in there, being careful not to rip the bags and keeping them in a photo album. She says they’re interesting, and do you know? There’s something in me, something frightening that I’d rather not talk about, that understands what she means. That something made me go mental when I discovered I don’t seem to have the full collection of Damien Rice singles when I thought I did. (It turns out that I do). But I digress. I then found this on eBay this morning that pleased me even more than the original article. Don’t judge me.

I like all crisp flavours equally, but I always buy McCoys Cheddar & Onion because I have no imagination.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?
Fried Streaky Strips (a kind of vegetarian bacon substitute) mixed in with vegetarian caesar salad. That’s a dish, isn’t it? And it involves some cooking.

I don’t cook. I reheat, or add water, or microwave, or occasionally defrost. I don’t cook.

4. How do you have your eggs?
If I was going to have eggs, I would have them with a very uneasy feeling, and then about ten minutes later I would have an urgent need to throw up. I’m allergic to eggs, and therefore I don’t have eggs. Before I knew I was allergic, when I wasn’t so allergic to them as I am now, I used to like to scramble eggs with a vegetable oxo cube mixed through them. That was yum squared.

I once accidentally cracked a rotten egg on to a frying pan. The smell is unbelievable.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?
I went round my friend’s house a few weeks ago to watch Angel and Buffy and she cooked some pizzas for us. It turned out quite nicely, although then it turned out to Cordelia was evil, and that confused me because until then I had remained spoiler-free, and then I had to go straight home and read up the next five episodes. My geekier side is really turning up the volume today.

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