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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Part Two...


We woke with horror and realised that we’d slept in - it was 6.30am and the Breakfast Session had already begun - we’d never make it in by 7.30. Throwing on clothes and cursing our unwashed and pale reflections in the mirror, we hurried to the train station where our heads started yelling at us that they still wanted to be in bed. We listened to the show on the train and were gutted to hear that, while we were dancing with film stars, we had missed the biggest event of the night - the fight outside between the Breakfast DJs of Xfm and Kiss, moments before we left the hotel.

Arriving at Xfm in a near-comatose state, we were told to make our own way to the studio, and when we arrived we were astonished to see the little room packed to the brim with people who had turned up to celebrate the Xfm Gold Win that Christian had been gloating about for the previous two weeks. We were quite pleased to see that Christian, Chris and Roque appeared to be suffering as much as we were, and so, armed with our hangovers and bereft of any meaningful rest, we collapsed in to a corner holding tightly to our bottles of water. A radio studio, however, is not the ideal place to be if your dearest wish is not to be made to speak. Not content with merely calling us names off air, Christian decided that it would also be great to make fun of us while on air. Having checked out the site, Chris pointed out to us that we had promised gossip from the early hours of Friday morning, and Christian asked us what kind of gossip we had gathered. Off air, Susan told him we had spotted some dancing shenanigans, and Christian immediately insisted we go stand by a microphone and wait to reveal all on air.

When the record had finished, he again asked us for our backstage gossip, and Susan repeated the dancing allegations, embellishing the story with the words “provocative” and “Michael Jackson”. Roque, standing beside us, was overcome with giggles, and the mumblies in the room responded with applause as Christian once again demanded that we were forcefully thrown out of the studio.

We celebrated by sitting back down on the floor, and spending the rest of the show laughing quietly as we suddenly remembered what we’d asked Alan Yentob.


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