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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson



Comedian Richard Herring needs your help. At this year’s Edinburgh Festival, he will be Talking Cock in front of a lot of people, and at the moment he’s compiling a lot of information.

He would like you – male or female – to honestly and anonymously complete a questionnaire about your experiences of penis, whether your own or someone else’s.

On the site, there is also a selection of penis-related poetry, which actually makes for fabulous reading – stupid, funny, and moving. My favourite thus far is this one, by the lovely Stewart Lee:


My penis is like a thermometer
It should be taken either orally or anally
Or for best results held under the tongue for 5 minutes
It has 100 tiny gradations running up the side
It is 4 inches long
And 1/8th of an inch wide

My penis is like a thermometer
It is often handled by nurses
But rarely by ambulanceman
And sometimes it is necessary to disinfect it 30 or 40 times a day

My penis is like a thermometer
It is scientifically inaccurate
If you hit it with a hammer it will break
And it is full of mercury

My penis is like a thermometer because …
If you are sick, or feverish, laid low with a malady,
Infirm, or stricken, wracked by a palsy,
Dry, Hot, under the weather,
Constrained, confused, concerned, whatever
Then you had best put my penis in your mouth

No sorry that’s a thermometer
My penis is a different kettle of fish
My penis is like a kettle of fish
Full of boiling liquid
Rusty but reliable
Smelling of fish

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