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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

To Deirdre on her birthday…


BREATHLA SHONA DUIT, MO CHARA!






Here is a politically correct birthday poem I have found for you. Enjoy


A Politically-Correct Birthday Greeting
by Janine M. Smith


At last--Today's your Special (1) Day!
The World (2) all stops to shout hooray(3) !
We(4) wish you peace and joy and fun
Today you're the exalted(5) one.

So have a drink (6) or a cigar (7),
Go to the beach (8) or buy a car. (9)
And cut a piece of chocolate cake (10)
Just after (11) a big juicy steak.(12)

And everywhere you go (13) today
The crowds (14) will part, as people (15) say,
"Oh bliss, oh glee, oh happy joy!" (16)
And thrill to see the birthday boy. (17)
So dance (18) and sing and have a ball! (19)
A Happy Birthday from us (20) all!


1 Except where this day is a holiday celebrated by other cultures, or others whose birthday should fall on this day, respecting the effect of the International Dateline.
2 Or, more properly, the portion of the world immediately surrounding you, which may differ significantly in any way from other cities, towns, or countries, all of which are valid and important in their own right.
3 Except persons speaking other languages, who may shout whatever version of "hooray" their specific culture supports.
4 "We" being any who consent to such a wish, not including persons of differing viewpoints who may dissent.
5 Not to imply others may be any less exalted, either today, or on their own birthdays, or any day of their choosing.
6 This does not endorse excessive alcohol use, nor does it condone such irresponsible behaviour as drinking and driving. We support completely the objectives of 12-step groups and other support organisations.
7 Except in no-smoking areas, or in situations where second-hand smoke may harm or offend others in the vicinity. Not an endorsement of the tobacco industry or of this or any other addictive behaviour.
8 Reflecting a proper concern for the environment, please take public transportation, do not introduce sun lotions or other pollutants into the ocean ecosystem, and remember to remove all litter when you leave.
9 Non-combustion engine, high mileage, carpooling only, please.
10 Made only from food products that are rain-forest friendly, served on reusable plates made from recycled materials only. Watch your cholesterol count.
11 Not intended to defame or offend those who prefer to eat dessert first.
12 Due to the ecological inefficiency of raising beef, we recommend a steak of non-dolphin-endangering tuna.
13 Please restrict your movements if we are in a Stage 3 or higher Smog Alert.
14 Recognising the unique qualities of each individual, even though we refer to them collectively as "crowds".
15 Not to exclude any animal, insect, plant, or other life or non-life from that wishes to join in.
16 See note 3 above.
17 Not intended as an assumption of age or sex, nor as a patronising nickname.
18 Reflecting, if possible, the influence of third-world music, the costumes of sub-Arctic cultures, and an attempt to choose partners who are differently-abled.
19 Made from recycled materials, filled with purified air, bounced with due concern for the privacy and quiet of those around you.
20 See note 4 above.


Copyright 1997 by Jzine.



lots and lots of love

Sharon

This entry was posted on 08 February 2002 at 11:13 am. 0 comments

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