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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson


My dog, Sam, just died. Forgive me if this infringes any copyright laws, but I found this unbearably appropriate.



My Dog Died
by John Hegley

the dog died the other day
I buried her where she buried her bones
and on the level earth
laid out her name in stones

about to pick a rose
to stick in her grave action froze
a thorn had torn
my thumb I saw the blood come
and the knowledge that I too one day would be dead
struck me like a shovel in the features

you're going to die!
I said as I replaced the shovel in the tool shed
you're going to die!
said the sky as I went up the path

back in the kitchen
I was massively oppressed by the prospect of the end
but as I looked at the bowl from which my friend had fed
and the lead by which her
and sometimes I had been lead
from somewhere I somehow drew strength

you're going to die!
so live boy live I shout
I slammed my foot into the dog-food bowl
and sent it scudding through imaginary goalposts

you're going to die!
so yippe-aye-aye I whooped as I dragged an unopened box
of little biscuits out of the cupboard and tore them open
oblivious to the coupon

you're going to die!
oh yes it's good news John

you're going to die!
if you live forever you need never do anything
as you would do everything an infinite number of times

you're going to die!
I tore out of the fridge a lump of lard
and threw it off the end of the cliff

you're going to die!
yes!
the doorbell rang
it was the bloke from upstairs
he said "I'll kill you if you don't shut up"

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