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Dreadful Nonsense

"I've read your blog. it's really funny. you should write a column." - Jon Ronson

Having spent a good five minutes on the phone with the lovely people from eircom (at 74c a minute), they told me that my internet connection should now be working again, although they couldn't tell me what was wrong with it to begin with. I was about to lose my temper and explain to them to concept of Broadband and why we weren't happy paying what we pay for the connection only for it to spaz out when I'm in the middle of important work (or more often, bidding for something on eBay), but then I read the below email from Mr Candon, and that made me laugh too much to be angry any more.

Today, I have been up since 8.30am, and having made 4 cups of tea and 2 cups of coffee thus far, as well as a round of toast. I have picked some dog poopie off the pavement outside where our dog in her wisdom decided to drop a load. I have also attempted to tidy the kitchen although there is a strong smell of something having died and then begun decomposing in or around our sink area that I'm not too keen to get to the source of.

It occured to me last night that I might not have introduced all of my new housemates properly, so below is a quick run down of my current living arrangements:

I live in what I now recognise to be quite a posh area of south county Dublin. Everyone in their right minds will of course already know that south county Dublin is the only proper area to live in, and that anyone living on the north side should be shot on sight and disposed of promptly by your butler or man servant. I live near Leopardstown racecourse. That is all that is of interest.

I live with my Mommy and my Daddy, and my brother may well be moving back in here at Christmas when he comes home from Australia. I fight with all of my siblings all of the time. We're like a bad tempered version of The Osbournes.

In our house right now, there are two resident labradors, two resident cats, and one visiting jack russel.

Kesh, the jack russell, used to live with us in Edinburgh. She belongs to my sister, but is staying with us at the moment because my sisters' house is full of mice and they are trying to fill the mice with poison so that the mice will all die horrible painful deaths and stop being a minor burden upon them. Kesh is the kind of dog that would pick up a haemorraging mouse and then die herself, so she's staying with us. She is a rescue dog, and likes to sit on people's laps. All. The. Time.

Honey is the newest addition to the house. She is a golden labrador and is about 10 years old, although that is a guess and probably not even near the mark. She is also a rescue dog who was found wandering Dublin. Mum saw her in a dog's home, and they were about to have her put down, so we brought her home instead. Her back legs don't work at all, as the muscles have completely wasted away, and so she doesn't walk very far or very well. But since neither my mother or I are particularly good at walking ourselves, she fits right in. She farts alot and eats everything she can get her hands on. She's particularly fond of apples.

Butler is an elderly chocolate labrador who we have had since he was a puppy. He's about 12 years old now and has arthritis. He's also had epilepsy all his life, although he hasn't had a fit for a while - the last time he fitted was because he was so frightened of the thunder storms last month. He likes to bring you socks and slippers and likes the noise plastic bottles make when he crunches them with his teeth. He also likes to be given the cardboard insides of toilet rolls, which he carries around for days.

Smudge is a white cat that my brother rescued from my uncle's pub. She lies around my bedroom believing it to be her room. She particularly likes to lie on anything black or red, because they clash quite pleasingly with her fur, and also look great when she's shed a few tons of white hair on them. She likes to throw up half her food after every meal, usually on the floor of the room where the computer is, because cat puke is the same colour as the carpet.

Anarchy is a tortoise shell coloured cat that my sister found as a kitten about to be hit by a truck in Derry. So we brought him home and lied to our parents that a friend of mine was going to take him in. He is the one that was attacked last night, and gets himself in to a lot of fights, even though he's been nuetered. He likes to lie on my mother, and all the dogs are slightly frightened of him, particularly Kesh. He has the loudest purr in the world.

This entry was posted on 02 December 2003 at 1:51 pm.